Our local hospital is pioneering the use of can openers
for brain surgery, hip replacements and bypasses.
This will apparently save the NHS so much money
(they said on Central News) that if successful
every household in the country
is to be given its very own can opener
and trained to perform such operations at home.
The Minister for Health is certain
it will also be possible to remove teeth, warts and verrucas
with can openers that have had only minimal adaptation.
In time the money saved from the entire population
undertaking major procedures on each other in the kitchen
with only negligible rising of mortality rates
will be used to commission a state-of-the-art laser can opener
connected to a computer the size of just one tin of baked beans
which nonetheless will have parts with such precision
your lover will be able to put you to sleep
and open up the serrated edges of your heart.